Arthritis Mom

It appeared the babies were learning to be helpful. They have figured out how to get the wipes out of the wipe dispenser and knowing I am the one who uses the wipes, yesterday my little girl decided she could hand the wipes to me while I was changing the her brother's diaper. That was nice. It lasted one day.

Today might have been a better look into the future. One baby pulled out a bunch of wipes in rapid succession and made a break for it. The other baby, noticing that I was distracted, saw an opportunity to escape diaperless. The first baby swung back around to confiscate the unattended dirty diaper.

There was a moment there when I was unsure of my ability to get the situation back under control. I saw myself giving both of them baths and having to clean the carpet before we had even eaten breakfast. I wanted to go back to bed. I managed, but it was close. Too close.

I see it, it's just around the corner. They are going to double team me and this RA mom is going to need to be very creative to survive.

I felt really good today. No significant pain or stiffness earlier in the day and only a little bit tonight because I'm tired. We had a huge storm this morning so that's surprising, I guess my RA doesn't predict the weather so well after all.

The day started with my little girl growing up. She has been trying to feed her food to me when she is done eating. She previously threw her extra food in her brother's high chair so this is an improvement. She offered me a piece of banana this morning, and then said "mo?" which means "more?" I'm always encouraging them to ask "more?" because their preference is to scream at the top of their lungs when they want more food. So I took another piece of banana from her little banana-covered hand and when I did, my little girl clapped for me! She was so proud of her mommy learning something new!

The day ended with my little guy growing up too. He took his first steps. Three unsteady, uncertain steps all on his own before he collapsed giggling in my lap.

It was a great day.

I thought the order goes first sit up, then crawl, then walk, and finally run. My little boy has a different idea. He's ready to walk but has decided to take a detour and work on climbing first. Yesterday he climbed up on a box. This morning he climbed up on the fireplace hearth. By this afternoon he was working on wedging his little toes in between the cushions so he could scale the couch and checking out the side table for vertical possibilities.

I admire his determination. When I tell him "no" he gives me a gigantic grin and keeps on going. Sometimes he stops for a second when he looks at me but his knee goes right back up in an effort to go higher. He can't help himself.

It was a good RA day for me. And it's a good thing because I needed the energy and quick reaction time. I am told my oldest stepson was breaking other babies out of the infant room at his daycare as soon as he could walk, and by 18 months he was borrowing the keys and backing the car into the front yard. So a little bit of this might be genetic.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

The twins are on the verge of walking. I have received numerous warnings that when they start they will automatically run in different directions causing me to split in two in order to save them both from certain peril. This may be true but I'm excited anyway. I'm hopeful that having them walk with me is easier than carrying the both of them everywhere. Yesterday I was able to encourage both of them to crawl to me for a diaper change instead of chasing them down like I usually do. Being able to tell them what they need to do and have them understand me is another big step forward. These milestones are going to make my life easier especially on bad RA days. I think. I hope. I'll let you know either way.

It's taken me several days to settle in but I think I have managed it. Sometimes realizing what you need to do is a lot easier than actually doing it. After a couple days of getting everything unpacked, groceries bought, all the baby supplies set up and trying my best to keep our routine in place I realized I was still not relaxed and I was starting to make the vacation less fun for everyone else. Having a routine makes life with twins more manageable but now I have developed a resistance to change, which is funny because my mom is always surprised at how easily I adopt change in my life.

I think the only major change that has really given me difficulty was developing rheumatoid arthritis. Other changes like having children, buying and selling my home, divorce, dating as a single parent, remarriage, becoming a stepmom, having preemie twins.... are all things I took in stride without much resistance. Now I am struggling with minor changes to my daily routine! I have to take a page out of the book on accepting that I had RA and use some of the lessons I learned then.

So yesterday I woke up and decided I had to improve my attitude. I made a good effort and it was a much better day. We took the babies swimming in the lake with the other kids and they had a great time. I managed to get connected to the internet - woohoo! The rest of my day included the usual diapers, bottles, naptime and playtime while my husband took the older kids fishing and tubing on the boat. Overall it was a great day because I was relaxed and not letting myself feel stressed over every little thing.

My arthritis was doing great too until today. I was feeling extra tired around lunchtime today and noticed my feet were hurting. When that happens I start to think what changed? Did I do too much yesterday? Is the weather changing? Did I not get enough sleep last night? OH! I know! I didn't take my medication this morning. That will certainly do it.

I feel so dumb when I forget my medication. It causes unnecessary pain and seems so, unnecessary. I managed to relax but I don't get to take a vacation from the rheumatoid arthritis and I most certainly can't take a medication vacation! Although a medication vacation sounds nice, that would be like having no vacation at all. So now I am on track, I think. I am settled in. I am relaxed. I am medicated. Time to go see what's next. I'm sure it's not anything on my computer.

The babies are 1 year old! It's been an amazing year of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, joy, excitement and blessing. The babies have grown from these tiny little 3 lb. miracles to healthy, happy, mobile and talkative little people. I knew going in that the first year with twins was tough, I was ready for that challenge. I did not know how hard it would be to be a mom of infants with rheumatoid arthritis. But I did it, I am that mom and I am surviving every day and very grateful for all that I do have.

I really want to sit down and reflect on the past year more but I can't seem to find any time. We haven't actually celebrated their birthday although it was two days ago - because we can't find any time the 8 of us are home at the same time longer than a few minutes. We think Saturday looks promising. Some days I am so busy I have to spend the babies morning nap time psyching myself up for what lies ahead. Yesterday was probably the worst it's ever been.

I knew it was going to be a big day. My husband was out of town for the entire day, a trip he tried to get out of but could not. I had errands that could not be put off, my daugther had a ballet rehearsal, my oldest stepson had 8th grade graduation and I had no help. Both my feet hurt, the fingers of my left hand, and my jaw which is the most annoying joint to swell up since it effects eating.

We were all up at 7am, the babies had their first bottle, ate breakfast, I put them down for the first nap and got my daughter off to school. After the babies woke from their morning nap around 11am, we ate an early lunch and headed to the car. We had to run by the post office to mail a camp registration, then to the pediatrician to drop off a health form to be filled out, then to the ballet store to get slippers, and to the grocery store. This was my first experience shopping with twins with no help - and I know I'm lucky to make it a year and say that (many thanks to online grocery shopping and a husband that often works from home). When we got home a little after 2pm and they were ready for another bottle and another nap. Once they were down I had exactly 1 hour to myself. I must tell you first that I do not cook, nearly ever. In that 1 hour and solely driven by 2nd graders desire to have a normally mommy - I whipped up 30 cupcakes. At the end of that hour I went in the babies room, grabbed one, put him in the car, ran back, grabbed the other one, into the car she went, ran back in grabbed the last batch of cupcakes out of the oven, covered them with foil, turned off the oven, ran out the car and sped down the driveway.

3 minutes later we were at the school. I had prearranged to have the school secretary walk my daughter outside so I did not have to get the babies out of the car. My daughter hopped in and 10 minutes later we were at ballet rehearsal. Stroller, babies, diaper bag, ballet bag, dinner/snack bag and off we went. Leotard, tights, slippers, braids, stage makeup and walk her back and get her settled. Stroller, babies, diaper bag and back in the car. Another hour successfully timed and completed. Special note: ballet tights should have a warning: "May be hazardous to mom's with arthritis." Drive home, babies dinner, bottle, diapers, down for last nap, throw in a load of clothes, time for my shower, get dressed, hair, makeup, change babies clothes and back in the car. 2 hours successfully timed and completed. Head to rehearsal location, pick up mini ballerina, change her clothes, wash off her makeup and off to 8th grade graduation for oldest stepson. At the graduation babies acting wonderfully despite being past their bedtime - last 2 hours survived. Home at 9pm.

We got in and my daughter helped me get the babies changed and into bed. They were exhausted and went right to sleep. It was then that I found out not everyone in 2nd grade likes chocolate cupcakes. It's one of those moments where you say to yourself, why did I not think of this myself? Is it worse to be a mom who never makes cupcakes, or one who makes cupcakes 1/2 the kids won't eat? You want to put your foot down and say "I made these cupcakes and those kids are darned well going to eat them!" But it doesn't really work that way, and the point is to make it be a special day for my daughter so I moped to the cabinet and pulled out a box of yellow cake. Her face went from sad to relieved to happy. We baked more cupcakes and decorated the chocolate ones. It was very late when she finally went to bed, even later for me but we had fun and it was a really cool ending to a very long, exhausting day. I'm glad I had the extra box.

I suppose I am doing better than just surviving. As hard as yesterday was mentally and physically, I think it turned out to be a pretty great day. I don't need to repeat it all today though!

....and the not so little one's.

It seems they went and made infant car seats a lot heavier since I had my daughter 7 years ago. I have two of them to lug around and it can be a lot even without RA. Now try to imagine two babies in heavy car seats combined with an RA flare and my unreasonable need to do everything for myself.

Recently my 11 year old stepson and I were out running some errands. That particular day my left hand was hurting, which is good for many reasons, the right hand being out of commission makes almost all tasks harder. I can get away with not using my left hand easier. However, unlatching the car seats from the bases requires a difficult squeezing motion with the left hand, while pulling up with my right forearm under the car seat handle, standing on the runner on the side of the minivan to give me the most leverage. Most days I can manage it, but on this particular day it was nearly impossible. The first couple times I did it that day I was able to get the car seats out after several attempts. We got out of the car a third time and I was trying but making no progress. My stepson looked at me and asked, "do you want me to do it?" He said it with a smile and an upbeat voice - he was glad to help. I sighed, defeated. "Yes, thank you."

I remember another time not too long after my diagnosis, I was visiting a friend and getting my sleeping child and a bunch of bags out of the car. My friend's husband asked what he could carry and I gave him one bag, loaded two others on my shoulders and went to pick up my then 4 year old daughter. He asked if he couldn't carry all the bags and I said "no, I got it." He said "yes, I see that but wouldn't it be easier if you let me help you?" He made it really hard to say no.

I have a ton of examples of my husband, my stepsons and my daughter helping me when I want to do something myself and simply can't - almost daily. Those medicine bottles I can only sometimes get open, carrying the car seats to and from the car, unloading groceries so I don't have to, running to the other room because it's painful to get up and walk there myself.... I suppose I like to pretend I can do it all myself, but I really don't do it all myself.

So maybe RA is life's way of trying to teach me that it's okay to accept help from others, and to stop fighting so hard against it....