Arthritis Mom

I always get homesick when I'm home. Knowing I'm here for such a short time only makes it worse. I moved away 14 years ago and I don't think I had a good reason. It seemed adventurous to move when I was younger but you miss a lot when you aren't near your family, and I didn't appreciate how much back then.

After I had my oldest daughter I realized it was better to have family nearby, so they can see her grow up and be there for her special events. I grew up with lots of cousins around and big extended family holiday celebrations, I wish I could give that to my children. But she was just a baby, and it didn't seem urgent then.

I was trying to remember when I really started thinking of moving home, really thought about job hunting and planning it. It would make sense that it was when I first developed rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. But it wasn't then. When I was going through the diagnosis life was chaotic and uncertain and I just took it day by day. By the time I got the diagnosis my marriage was ending so even more chaos. Back then getting my life in order took all my focus.

It was after my life settled down and my rheumatoid arthritis was under control. Having rheumatoid arthritis made me realize life is too short and once I had rebuilt my life as a single mom with a chronic illness, I realized something new. I proved I could do it all on my own but I no longer wanted to. Needing others is part of living and I needed my family.

It was not meant to be though. My ex-husband was not interested in moving home and I made a promise that I would never take our child away from him. So I stayed put and worked on being happy with that outcome. I am happy with that outcome. I would not have my husband, my stepsons or my twins if not for the decision to stay and I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything in the world.

Even with all the rationalizations and facts that can't be changed, I'm still homesick today. I still need my parents and my sister and the rest of my extended family. It's tough to need something you can't have. We do our best with phone calls and email and trips but nothing is as good as having them over for dinner on a regular basis. My hope now is that I can convince our children that they should settle down close to home for all the reasons that I wish I could come home to stay.