Arthritis Mom

We all have fears. I have had a few new one's since developing rheumatoid arthritis. I have a recurring fear is that I will be alone and unable to open my child proof medicine bottles. I have feared driving up to a gas pump alone not knowing if my swollen fingers would be able to grip and turn the gas cap. I have dreaded taking a shower during a particularly bad flare, wondering how it would turn out because I could barely hold the shampoo bottle much less squeeze the shampoo out of it.

None of these fears has ever kept me from accomplish my goal. I have struggled for several minutes and cursed those darned medicine bottles, but if nobody is around to help I always win the battle eventually. For things we cannot do, there are other options. My mom puts shampoo in small bottles that are easy to hold and don't require squeezing. I have used my chin and shoulder to squeeze the shampoo out. You can use a combination lock box to safely store medication so you can avoid those arthritis-proof, I mean child-proof caps. If I really was stuck not being able to get the gas cap off, there would probably be someone nearby I could ask for help. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Unfortunately the fear is more than that. I fear the pain I will experience getting that gas cap off, and I fear the embarrassment of having to ask someone else to do it for me. I want to be self sufficient and I don't want it to hurt. I hate knowing both are a regular part of my life. Those fears are a little harder to conquer.

There are times that all these fears rushing around in my head even during a simple task like trying to open a medicine bottle. Logically I can see that I have a choice. I can struggle to accomplish a task and feel the reward of independence, or I can ask for help and avoid the pain. Sometimes I can't decide and I struggle with something too long. My husband will notice I am frustrated and will see an easy solution - let him do it. If my issue that day is needing to do it myself, that solution won't work for me I am sure that is hard for him to accept. He doesn't want to see me struggle in pain, so now he feels frustrated.

It's like the game of tic-tac-toe. There is no way to win this.

I read a book a few years ago, "Chasing Daylight." It written by Gene O'Kelly, a man with a terminal brain tumor and who was given three months to live. He talked about making the most of the time you have, and about creating perfect moments in your life. A perfect moment doesn't have to be spectacular, it's just a special moment you want to hold in your heart and remember forever. It can be planned or spontaneous. A perfect moment could last an hour, or last just a few minutes. It could be as simple as taking a walk with your husband or doing something that makes your child laugh hysterically or watching the perfect little butterfly land right in front of you. The trick is to realize they are happening and enjoy them as much as possible.

I've had a few perfect moments this week. Those moments are so much more important in my mind than the frustrating moments where fear is driving my actions. So I think this is the solution to all those fears. This is the way to feel like I win. Let the frustrating moments come and go, but hold onto all the perfect moments.